Weary

This post, as u can see, deserves a title. Just finished my ortho test today (clinical only, the mcq follows on friday), and it was enough to provoke this.

I can give lots of excuses for this test; patient smoked me in the history, there was some language barrier, tutors were not entirely fair. But none of that holds water when deep down inside I know that ultimately the pathetic and brainless performance was entirely my own fault. They weren't telling me anything I didn't already know and they were right to be shocked that I hadn't done it. So why the hell didn't it occur to me until the test was over? Why make one stupid idiotic mistake and put 8 weeks of a damn good posting to shame? I have no answers.

Its very very demoralising to have spent so much time mugging/chionging etc, to have loved the posting so much, to forsee a future in this, and end up putting in a performance so pathetic the tester wondered out loud what kind of houseman I would make. If I can't even perform in this; one of the fields i've love the most, how am I supposed to clear the tests when they count? This was my best chance to do well in any of the tests to date; and it has been the worst.

I'll get over it soon enough, but rite now I'm wondering just what the future holds. 2 more days and then our long overdue holiday starts.

And today just gets better and better: kinabalu trip in June's off cos we can't book the place; proving once again the old adage that a bird in hand is worth 2 in the bush. Right now I've got the bush and neither of the birds. Wonderful.